


Throwing Away My Heart

by SteamyTaiZhen



Category: Carole & Tuesday (Anime)
Genre: Alcohol, Anal, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Porn, Boss/Employee Relationship, Canon Bisexual Character, Creampie, Denial of Feelings, Explicit Consent, Face-Fucking, First Time, Friends With Benefits, Gratuitous Smut, M/M, Non-Consensual Kissing, POV First Person, Shameless Smut, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:20:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23868916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SteamyTaiZhen/pseuds/SteamyTaiZhen
Summary: Carole and Tuesday need to collaborate with a big name DJ to jumpstart their career and who better than the planet's greatest? Roddy is willing to use his body to make that happen, even if it means getting into bed with his boss.However, both Ertegun and Roddy begin to notice Ertegun's non-mutual feelings towards Roddy and it starts causing issues.
Relationships: Cybelle/Tuesday Simmons, Ertegun & Roddy (Carole & Tuesday), Ertegun/Roddy (Carole & Tuesday), Tuesday Simmons & Carole Stanley, Tuesday Simmons/Carole Stanley
Comments: 10
Kudos: 102





	1. Lonely Times For A Womanizer

**Author's Note:**

> Roddy's bio says he's 17 on the official website, but I removed the underage warning because that's not exactly accurate. The fanfic takes place during Part 1, but in episode 21, he says he "kept believing in Santa even as a teenager" in a vaguely past tense manner, suggesting he was past the age of 19 when he said this in the Dub, however in the original, he uses the Japanese word for "Adulthood" which indicates that he's actually an adult already, so the original Japanese version also implies he's older than 19 (20 being adult age in Japan), and it can even be interpreted that he's older than 20. 
> 
> Even with this strong contradiction within the show (the conversation was too natural for him to casually lie), his bio still says he's 17, so it's up to you, the reader, to imagine him to be whatever age you want.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The beginning of a physical relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain   
> I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end   
> I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend But I always thought that I'd see you again
> 
> \- James Taylor

  
There I was, sitting on that big red couch in his big, extra superfluous mansion.  
Ertegun seemed kind of pissed. But it's not like his anger was directed at _me_ , right?  
Of course he's pissed, and he'd be right if he took it out on me. The other day, the Immigrant's Memorial Hall wouldn't let him rent the place out for any longer because it was booked solid for the rest of the day after his allocated time.  
  
" Then, you can book me in again tomorrow morning!" He yelled at them, but... They were doing a mandatory building maintenance, then, the day after that, the building was being fumigated, for which they had to clear up the building for three days, and after that, it's a planet wide holiday weekend, which didn't give us enough time to use the hall before we needed it for an event next week. He was told that some guerilla performers interrupted our session and security spent time getting in the way after the incident, preventing us from completing our job. He didn't want to hear anything of the performance. So, I thought it best not to mention it.  
  
There he was, Ertegun was arguing with the Memorial Hall Administration over the phone about losing his slot.   
  
" Security should have prevented that from happening and instead of forgetting it happened, they lock down the building to waste _my_ time?!"  
  
" But, sir, three of your technicians and yourself were authorized to be there, so why didn't any of you do anything about it? I mean, since you allowed them to do whatever they wanted for several minutes, our staff assumed the intruders were part of your entourage until one of our security guards was informed by one of your staff that he didn't know them." There it was. He was stumped. Truth is, Ertegun wasn't there. He was on a lunch date and stepped out for an hour. It was mostly my fault for not kicking them out when I was doing sound check. I stopped what I was doing, I stood there and recorded Carole and Tuesday. Of course, anyone else could have kicked them out, too, but I could have stopped them by continuing to do my job.  
  
It is what is it and now, those girls are my friends, whom I am trying to help out. I wonder if I can get Ertegun to feature them. He's been playing nothing but _Who Am I?_ as of late, and hasn't been making too many new tracks. Maybe if he could do a collaboration with Carole & Tuesday, he could tone down his music and create something completely new.  
  
" Well, I guess... It's my fault and my staff's then. Sorry to waste your time. I'll be there next week."  
He hung up the phone and turned to me with a twinge of disappointment.  
  
" Roddy... I..."  
" I'm sorry about what happened the other day, really, I am!"  
He wiped away that disappointed look on his face and furrowed his eyebrows, rather looking down upon me with pity rather than anything else.  
  
" ... I was going to say, can you work on other things I need you to do in the meantime? And, don't worry about apologizing. I did leave for a date after all, so it really is _my_ fault more than anything. Plus..." Ertegun walked towards me, coming a little too close for comfort and lifted his hand... Wait, what is he doing? He's patting me on the head, ruffling my hair, ever so affectionately. I've never seen him with such a gentle expression on his face.  
  
" I could never stay mad at _you_ , Roddy." Why does my face feel hot all of a sudden? Oh no, am I blushing? Why would I be blushing?!  
  
" Wh-why...?"  
" _Why_? Do you really have to ask?"  
He sat down next to me, arm wrapped around my shoulder, pulling me closer, wait, why is he doing this?! He's not clothed under that bathrobe. He smells of chlorine and pheromones, he's close to naked, why is he touching me like this?! This is weird! No, the naked part isn't the weird part. The weird part about all this is that I want him to hold me tighter and closer and I don't know why. I'm overheating...!  
  
" Roddy, Roddy, Roddy... Don't tell anyone, but... _You're_ my favourite."  
" Wh-what?!"  
" You're my favourite person. You're an excellent employee. Officially, you're my best AI maintenance guy, and my best sound tech. Unofficially, you're like an assistant to me, and a designated driver." That last part he added is a part of my job where it's not exactly done willingly...  
  
" Not only that, you make a good wingman and you're great to be around."   
" Ahah... Thanks, but... What's with all these compliments all of a sudden?" It was unusual for Ertegun to show such praise for anyone but himself. He usually did thank people for all their hard work and gave me the occasional pat on the back from time to time, because he knows that most of the things he does wouldn't be possible without his business partners and technicians.  
  
" I know, I owe you quite a lot of favours, but there's just one more I'm going to have to ask you, and you can say no, it's completely up to you, Roddy."  
" What is it?"  
" I got dumped the other day. Three times."  
" Wh-what?!"  
This was bound to happen. He fools around with so many women, it's hard to keep track. Then, he meets one that's extra beautiful and to get her, he'll totally pretend to commit.  
  
" But three at a time... Care to explain how that went down?" Ertegun let slip a bit of nervous laughter and looked away, cutting off eye contact.  
" I was on that date... Then another woman I was seeing saw us. She just happened to be eating at the same place with her sister. And because she was causing a scene, it drew the attention of the third woman I was seeing who was at the restaurant with a business partner of hers." I sighed at the complete and utter disaster Ertegun had just described to me, letting out a frustrated exhale at his inability to keep it in his pants.  
  
" You must have the worst luck in the world right now." I muttered passive aggressively at his direction, but he tried to laugh it off.  
" Yeah, I do, don't I?"  
" Look, why go out with them in the first place if you can't actually commit to them?"  
" Have you seen those women, Roddy?"  
" I've seen a lot of your women."  
" Yeah but you know the ones I mean."  
I let out a sigh, shamefully about to admit what he was referring to.  
  
" Yes, that woman I saw at the Hall the other day was extremely beautiful." And that was putting it lightly. She had great and healthy looking dark skin, a gorgeously coiffed bob cut, a perfectly shaped body, not to mention a large bust, and was dressed in classy, elegant attire. Every part of her seemed totally and completely perfect.  
  
" Well, the other two were equally beautiful." He said, pretty much shamelessly. I rolled my eyes at him without him noticing. He was being such a pig and it took me so much strength not to say it out loud.  
  
" Again, it doesn't stop you from ceasing to see one of them if another woman you start seeing wants you to commit."  
This time, the chuckles Ertegun let out seemed a lot more strained and more nervous than the previous ones.  
  
" True, but... I'm not a one-woman man." I knew immidiately what he was referring to. Not only was he dating those three women at the same time, he was seeing even more women who didn't care that he was dating and didn't mind just sleeping with him.  
  
" Wh-why would you do that?"  
" Come on, Roddy, you know there's plenty of me to go around! It'd be a shame for anyone to miss out on me just because..."  
  
" A-anyways...!" I interrupted him, I couldn't stand what he was saying at the moment, "You were about to ask me a favour." I noticed his arm was still wrapped around me this entire time, so I took it upon myself to peel it off and distance myself a bit from him on the couch, however, he still rested his arm on the couch.  
  
" Right! Right, that _favour_..." Damn it, no. Not that sultry tone. He spoke in an almost low growl, emanating pheromones and leaning in close to my ear, even if he and I were alone with nobody else on the estate but two security guards at the entrance of the mansion, he _whispered_ to me.  
  
" Roddy, do you want to try _sleeping_ with me?"  
  
That can't be, right? He can't possibly be asking me _that_. Right?  
  
" Sorry, Ertegun, can you say that again? I thought I heard you saying something completely insane..."  
  
" Do you want to _have sex_ with me?"

  
" Sorry, I think my ears are busted, maybe I need to go get some fresh air or a nap or something."

  
There's no way he was saying what I thought he was saying. I'm just tired. Right? I got up and headed to the glass door to exit to the pool area. I needed to cool off. It was bad enough that such a filthy, womanizing douche like him was putting moves on me, it's a bad situation rendered worse my my slight consideration of his offer. I can't possibly be tempted to sleep with such a man, can I?! Crap... I hear Ertegun get up from his seat, chasing after me.  
  
" R-Roddy! Wait up! I need an answer! Is that a yes, or a no??" He asked frantically dashing towards my direction.  
  
" Roddy, hey! I mean it!"  
I stopped dead in my tracks and turned to him. He caught up pretty fast, so he was standing just three feet away.  
  
" Ertegun, why would you ever ask _me_ to do _that_ with you?"  
" Sex?"  
What else? Of course! Ertegun, the greatest and richest, most famous musician on Mars, how could anyone resist him for those traits if not for his charms, charisma and dashing good looks? I couldn't stand to look at him right now, though, so, I resisted the urge to click my teeth at him and turned to the left, towards the glimmering cyan pool.  
  
" Why else would I ask? Because as it stands, the situation right now, I mean, no woman would want to come near me after the media has covered that incident. And you're the most attractive person I can ask."  
" Geez, is that a compliment or an insult?" Was I seriously the only one he could find? Am I just the last pick? I scratched my head. I know I'm not the most masculine guy out there, but...  
  
" I'm not a woman."  
" I know," He replied quickly and bluntly "...I told you the other day, didn't I?" He stepped closer to me, inching forward slowly, "Roddy, you're _just my type of man_." He grabbed me by the chin and placed his hand behind my back, reeling me in closer. "I told you that I not only love beautiful women, but that I also love capable men... So, I'm asking you, will you sleep with me?"  
  
" And if I refuse?"  
  
" You haven't yet."  
  
" Yet is keyword."  
  
" So why have you not turned me down as of yet?"  
  
" Well, I just want to understand the why at all, first."  
  
" Why, methinks the lady doth protest too much."  
  
I felt my throat clog up. I don't know what to say. I don't know why I haven't said no yet. Are his moves actually working on me? Up close, he's noticeably more handsome... His stubble, his goatee, the scent of his aftershave, the glimmer of his eyes, it's a wonder it can drive any woman mad with desire...   
  
I've seen him seduce women, and when I've seen him use those corny lines on them, I always wonder why he charmed them so easily, but now that it was me resting in his strong and gentle embrace, gazing into his emerald eyes, feeling the vibrations of his low voice hit my eardrums...   
  
I know now what it was that all those women couldn't resist, and I could no longer judge them for falling prey to his charms so easily.  
  
He let go of me after holding me and to no avail, failed to receive an answer from me.  
  
" If you don't say yes, I'll have to assume it's a no." He took a few steps back, retreating to one of the lounge chairs by the pool.  
  
" Don't worry, Roddy, it's not like there's no turning back, so there's no need to feel overwhelmed."  
Something about those words made me think of Carole and Tuesday... That's right... I was going to ask if he could meet with them, but the way he is now...  
  
" I guess I just won't be sleeping around with anyone for the next two weeks. It'll blow over after I host an amazing event and soon, the ladies will be at my feet again. I'll be pretty lonely until then, though. But, don't worry, Roddy. I won't do anything to you for turning me down. We can keep it professional. For now, you can go back to work. Although, I understand if I made you feel uncomfortable, so you can come back tomorrow if..."  
" Ah, actually... Ertegun, I didn't say that I _refused_."  
He turned to me, almost smirking, just _almost_... And gestured me to come closer. Ertegun reached out, pulling me by the wrist dragging me to sit on top of him.  
  
What was I thinking? I couldn't say, after all that flirting, I couldn't keep a clear mind, I couldn't see clearly at all. Is this temporary insanity?  
  
" Now, Roddy, tell me clearly, do you want to have sex with me? If you do, I'll reward you. I know I already owe you a couple favours, but add a few tally marks for..."  
" I'll have sex with you. I..." swallowing a glob of saliva that was stuck in my throat, I cleared it up and hesitantly made eye contact with him "...I really, _really_ want to...because I'm...curious..."  
  
Even I didn't expect that to come out of my mouth. I was just as surprised as he was and the more I dawned upon it, the more I agreed with the random statement that I just blurted out.  
  
" I'll take it as a yes, then."  
He gave me a kiss on my right cheek and planted another kiss on my neck, however, his lips stayed firmly placed there as he lightly sucked on my skin, causing an unexpected electrifying jolt to my nerves connecting to my back, causing me to arch slightly and squirm.  
  
" A little sensitive are you, Roddy?"  
" Just your imagination!" I yelled back in denial, but we both knew I was lying and embarassed. Unphased by my dishonesty, he grabbed my denim jacket by the collar and dragged it off on both sides, tossing it onto the next chair. I was distracted and shivering from his gentle touches, until I heard the sound of the jets of the swimming pool shut off. I barely noticed them, but the sound of it turning off reminded me that we were outdoors and that we shouldn't be doing this sort of thing out here.  
  
" W-wait! Ertegun! Are we seriously about to do it out here?!" I protested, but my objections fell on deaf ears as his large hands ran up my plain white t-shirt, tenderly brushing against my skin, which by now, I think he's actually careful about since noticing I respond well and quite intensely to teasingly delicate touches. I couldn't stand doing nothing, so I moved forward, my chest was up against his face, I held onto his head by clasping my hands on either sides and rummaged through his silver hair, pressing my face into his hair as well, smothering him completely.   
  
I heard him groan and exhale, so I looked down to see my knee pressed gently between his legs, I removed it quickly and repositioned myself only to feel his thumbs flick my nipples, using his indexes as well to twist them lightly, then a dissatisfied twinge came upon me as he stopped. Only then I noticed that as I had held my breath while he toyed with my areolas, I was biting my lip to not let moans escape. My mouth was numb and I wasn't prepared for him to immediately unzip my jeans, pull my erection out and immediately suck on my nipples. It all happened so fast, I hadn't even realized I was hard, but now, I was noticing something else: my voice was leaking out, moaning, nearly wailing in ecstasy.   
  
" Ahhhwaaahh... Ugnh aahn.... Ertegun....!"  
My voice spilled out of my mouth uncontrollably as he started jerking me off.   
  
Ah... That wasn't the only thing that was spilling, there was drool I needed to slurp back up, the way he's jerking me off is amazing. It's making my mind go totally numb, I'm losing motor skills as my toes felt like they were being electrocuted, my shoulders felt so loose as if they were falling off and my eyes crossed as I rolled them upwards, giving me double vision. All that from the pleasure of a handjob and nipple play as Ertegun's tongue ran up and down my chest, my neck, and flicked my nipple from time to time. What the hell kind of nirvana have I gotten myself into? I clasped at my mouth with my hands to stop my moans from escaping, or at the very least, muffle them, letting out another muffled squeak as Ertegun pulled his lips off of my nipple.  
  
" Roddy, why are you doing that?" He asked as his strokes got slower and more intense, making me squirm, "...I love the sound of your voice. I want to hear your moans."  
  
  
"But," I said, as I uncovered my mouth, "...the gu...guards a-at th...the front will he...hear...!"  
  
" They'll think it's a woman."  
  
" Th-th-they've only seen me...Ahhhn!...enter the building! O-Of course th-they won't... Ahhhnah...!"  
  
" Doesn't the possibility of getting caught excite you, Roddy?"  
  
" Nnghhh....!"  
  
He came to a stop, halting his strokes when I was on the edge.  
  
  
" I... Ertegun... Why... I was about to cum..."  
He dragged my jeans off of me and threw them onto the neighbouring lounge chair, atop my jacket. Now, I had nothing on but my shirt. Because I had picked such a tight one to wear today, it held its place rolled up above my nipples, but I quickly pulled it down to feel less exposed, since we were doing such lewd things outside in the open.  
  
" There's somewhere I'd like you to cum in."  
Ertegun lowered himself on the lounge chair, opened his mouth, stuck out his tongue and pointed at it.  
  
" Here."  
I was surprised at what he was implying, or rather clearly saying. He wanted me to do it in his mouth.  
  
  
" It's fi...filthy..."  
  
" I don't mind."  
  
" Y-you don't have to... I just want to cum..."  
  
" You can cum by fucking my throat."   
  
  
He approached my tip, peeling back the foreskin and right before he took my tip in his mouth, he whispered, "...Roddy... You have a nice big cock... If only I'd known sooner, I... Ah...."  
  
There was a film of pre-cum coating my tip, and I could feel his tongue licking it off eagerly, as he grabbed my ass, groping me, squeezing me, as he took my lenght into his throat. With his head firmly planted against the back rest, he guided my hips to start thrusting into him, and before I knew it, I was holding onto the lounge chair for dear life, vigorously thrusting into his throat, soon realizing that he had no gag reflex of which to speak of. I was addicted to forcibly penetrating his facehole, feeling the sensation of his tongue on my shaft, feeling his entire orifice squeeze around me, as he sucked me in, making me aware of every nerve on my cock being stimulated.  
  
" Mmngah... E...Er... Ertegun!? Aahhn!" A rushing wave of euphoria crashed upon my entire body, emanating from my crotch. It was wetter, drenched inside of him. I retreated, gazing down at his open mouth to see some of my seed spilling over his lips and trailing down his neck as he swished it around a few times with his tongue. Ertegun gathered up the excess in his hand and closed up his mouth and swallowed what remained in him, after which he released a quenched exhale.  
  
" Why... Would you drink that?"  
" I thought it would turn you on. It worked, right?"  
I could feel my heart pause and my face flushing red. I left that question unanswered, but Ertegun was unphased by it. Distracted by the image of him swallowing my cum, I barely noticed him slipping his drenched hand between my legs and poking at my ass.  
  
" Huh?! What are you doing?!"  
" What does it look like? I'm improvising lube."  
I was tense, unable to let him in as he felt my ass twitching on his soaked fingers.  
  
" Loosen up, Roddy, or I can't get in..." He said softly as he poked with a little more force, making me squirm just a little more. "...Unless you don't actually want to do this?" I just remembered why I was doing this. I was completely entranced by how amazing it felt to be held and touched by him that I forgot why I agreed to this in the first place. I thought of Gus and how he had asked me to set Carole and Tuesday up with a DJ to collaborate with and how it would be a great help to them. That's right, I'm doing this for them. But am I really okay with this? Am I really okay with allowing him to do this to me for them? But it's not like I'm suffering for them, right? I might as well enjoy myself. What am I thinking? I've been enjoying myself this entire time! Of course it's not just for them anymore.   
  
  
" Roddy, I just want us to have a good time together. It's no fun if I'm not pleasing the other person the way they like it."   
  
" N-no! I want to! I've just never done this before!"   
_  
Crap_. I can't believe I just told him that. He smirked and raised an eyebrow with an exhale that seemed almost like a chuckle.  
  
  
" Well, that puts a lot of pressure on me," he said as he entered me with his middle finger, making my hips, my cock and my moans quiver with excitement, "...it just means that I'm going to have to show you a _really_ good time, Roddy." He shoved another finger in as my hips bucked, a third one, and I threw my head back, moaning louder and more unrestrained.  
  
" I.... Ah....! Love it, Ertegun!" I felt his fingers stretching me out, preparing me for intercourse eagerly, I could tell that I wasn't the only one who was getting hornier than ever and barely containing himself. After all, Ertegun's face was against my navel and although he tried to conceal it, his panting, his bated breaths gave away his intense level of excitement. I felt my erection brush up against his face and felt embarassed to be so hard yet again, but haven't touched him down there yet.  
  
" Are you ready, Roddy? Do you want me to get inside of you, yet?" He asked, slowing down his hand's thrusts.  
  
" Y-yes... P-put in in me... Please..."  
  
If mere fingers could make me feel good, I can't imagine what it must feel like to... Ah... I felt his fingers squelch out of me and watched as he untied his bathrobe, opening it up to expose himself beneath me. He had been naked under there this entire time and I didn't know that he didn't have any swimwear on... I felt his erection lightly tap against my behind and looked back.  
  
" Ah... Ertegun...?!"  
" No need to look... Just look at me, okay?"  
He turned my head back in his direction by using his dry hand to stroke my face gently and using his other to caress my hip.  
" Is... It going to fit?" I asked, and immediately felt ridiculous for asking such a thing.  
" Of course it will, now, relax... Trust me. I promise I'll make you feel _real_ good."  
  
The way he spoke seemed a lot more caring and gentle than his usual cocky and narcissistically self-absorbed tone, and it worked to soothe me as I felt his dick press itself between my cheeks.  
  
" You've never done this before..." He said it in such a low tone that I don't think he was talking to me, but it was more like he was talking to himself, reminding himself of the bit of information I let slip earlier.  
  
He prodded at my entrance hesitantly before pushing through, getting the tip inside.  
" Ahhh... Ertegun...!"  
" We'll do this gently, okay?" He held my waist, lowering me slowly, making sure I got him all the way in. Suddenly, a shockwave made me yell out in confused pleasure, my voice quivered as I moaned.  
  
" W-wait! Nghaaahhh....!" I whined as I trembled.  
Ertegun had a look of concern on his face and carefully allowed my upper body to rest upon his.  
  
" You sure you're okay?"  
" Mmngh... Hmmm.... Ye..es... I... Am... I just feel really good when you hit that spot..." He smiled at me and chuckled, then pressed his lips against my forehead.  
  
Ertegun's hands were on my lower back, pressing my ass downwards, stimulating the sweet spot in a teasing manner, grinding into me, and as his thick shaft stretched me out, my breathing got heavier and heavier.  
  
" Mnnnhh... Roddy... You're nice and tight..." His deep, erotic voice triggered in me this strange tingling sensation, running from my forehead, to my scalp and down my spine, making me press my face into his shoulder before I started letting him guide my hip's movements.  
  
" I... Ah..."  
" What is it, Roddy?"  
" I like it when... Mmngh..." I couldn't bear to say it. I was embarassed to tell him that I loved the sound of his voice and that I felt like that alone might as well make me have an orgasm on its own. Was I crazy? Or just plain weak for thinking that?   
  
" Tell me, Roddy. Let me know what you like...and I'll show you a whole new world of pleasure..." I was tempted to tell him the truth, but quite honestly, I thought it best to not tell him that since it could potentially render him disinterested in me due to my lack of experience causing such sensitivity. I don't want to turn him off.  
  
" I like it when you... hit me in the right spot... And when you squeeze my ass..." While not what I really meant to say, these weren't necessarily lies, so I don't think he'll be able to detect it, besides, he'll do some talking either way without me asking, right?  
  
" I think that goes without saying, Roddy" he said it in my ear, ah... It feels _amazing_ , like his words are travelling down my spine, making my ass thrust harder onto his member "...but I will make sure I grope you whenever I can as of now."  
  
 _As of now?!_ Wow, I like the sound of that. I shouldn't, but my imagination is running wild. I can picture him groping and fucking me at work. The fantasies grow more intense as the reality of him repeatedly thrusting in me settles in more and more.  
He's penetrating me in a much firmer manner, everytime it hits the spot, my insides are jolted and my cock twitches.  
  
" Ah... Roddy, I'll start moving a little faster, okay?" And thus his thrusts grew steadily faster and faster, soon, before I realized, Ertegun was plowing me pretty hard, matching the movements of his hips with his control of my waist. My mind was going completely numb at this point. With just a few more, he crushed my sweet spot hard a final time before completely filling my hole.  
  
" Mmngh...! Er... Ertegun! Ahh.... Mngh... So good..." I sighed in complete inebriated relief. My rim tightened around his large, ejaculating cock, as it was twitching uncontrollably inside of me.  
  
He lifted my waist to pull me off of his dick and I felt it slip out of me. I sat up straight atop Ertegun, and so did my erection.  
  
  
" So you had a dry one, huh?"  
  
" A... Hwhat?" I mumbled dreamily, still baffled by the sheer pleasure I had experienced.  
  
" You had an orgasm just by having your prostate stimulated..."  
  
" I guess I did... But, hey, Ertegun, can we do it again?"  
  
" Of course we will. I didn't expect it to end after a single round."  
  
  
Ertegun slipped away, getting up from the lounge chair, letting me rest on my stomach, but he got onto the seat again, this time, on his knees, and lifted my waist so that I was also on my knees, my ass was firmly up against his throbbing member, erect again, a short time after ejaculating in me. I leaned on the backrest of the chair, my hands grasping at the sides of it as I eagerly rubbed my entrance against Ertegun's long shaft.   
  
I could feel Ertegun's large hands squeezing my hips, then, my ass, and spreading me open, only to let the excess semen drip out of my hole. More unintentionally lewd moans escaped my mouth, undoubtedly pleasing him by the way he chuckled soon after.   
  
" Your ass is cute..." I'm glad we weren't face to face this time because he didn't need to see how red my face had gotten. I could feel it overheating. I'm pretty sure that comment he made just now wasn't meant to be heard, the way he whispered it so softly.   
  
Slowly, he penetrated me once again, slipping his shaft all the way in, and as he entered, he rolled my shirt up. Then, he ran his hand delicately up my spine, just almost and barely grazing my skin, this made me tense up, tighten up around him, flinching, and I had no idea why such a soft touch affected me so much.  
  
  
" Aaahn... Ertegun..."  
  
" Roddy... Your back... Your skin here is pretty smooth and very beautiful..."  
  
  
This time, using the nails of his fingers on both hands, he gently grazed them across my back, sending sensual, arousing shivers all over my nervous system, driving me wild.  
  
" It's also one big erogenous zone.... Good to know..."  
  
As he held me by the waist and pushed deeper, grinding into my gland, I arched my back in sensual madness and bit my lip, throwing my head back as he started ramming into me, increasing in speed and force with every minute, soon, my teeth could no longer clench onto my lower lip, and I was forced to scream in wailing, agonizing pleasure as Ertegun slammed into me with greater and exponentially increasing force, releasing yet another load inside of me as we simultaneously screamed each other's names at the peak of orgasm.  
  
My legs were convulsing as my cum spilled all over the lounge chair, a hands-free ejaculation. I leaned harder against the chair, feeling completely incapacitated by the light headed sensation assaulting my senses. Ertegun pulled out and more cum spilled from my insides. He sat himself down and had me sit on his lap as I continued writhing in pleasure, the orgasm wouldn't stop, my legs still shaking, I shivered in his arms, in his embrace, and I felt his heavy breaths on my head, he was catching his breath after plowing me with so much vigor.  
  
  
" Roddy... If only I knew how amazing your body was... I'd have done this to you much sooner."  
  
It took me a few seconds to gather up the energy to reply.  
  
  
" I could say the same about you, Ertegun..." I stated, now holding onto his shoulder to grasp on, "...now I know why your girlfriends wanted you all to themselves... Who wouldn't want this all to themselves? You're... Ah..." I press my head against his chest, curling up against him.  
  
  
" Yes, Roddy, what am I?"  
  
" I was going to say irresistible, but... I know better than those women."  
  
" Oh, do you, now?"  
  
" Yeah, I know that dating you is futile."  
  
" Who knows, maybe after today, I'll want to get serious with you."  
  
" Doubt it."  
  
  
Ertegun had kind of a sad smile on his face just now. There's no way that what I said could upset him, right? Ertegun disliked being in relationships. He's not the mushy feelings type of man. Does that give me the right to say that he's not worth dating? Of course, he's still human beneath that god-complex of his. Maybe deep down, he does have a desire to be romantically involved with someone, but...  
  
  
" Ahah... Just kidding."  
  
  
Just as I thought. Or not. He seemed like he was nervous and breaking a sweat. But we just finished, so, he should be at ease right now, but he's not. He has this really agonizing expression on his face. Something about it didn't seem like he was "just kidding", it seemed like the idea of being rejected by me would seriously hurt him. Maybe it's just because it would bruise his ego, I think.  
  
  
" Well, Roddy, now I owe you a couple more favours. Do you want a raise? Or is there something else I can get you?"  
  
  
He's emotionally distancing himself to get away from the topic. Reminding me that this was all just a transaction for his benefit. It's obvious. I unknowingly glared at him in a way that sort of called out his change of topic, but didn't verbally respond.  
  
  
" H-hey, Roddy, don't fall for me just because I'm your first man."  
  
  
His voice is trembling. I rub my face against his chest a little more, and I can hear his heartbeat thumping heavily. It's like he's scared of something. Is he actually afraid of getting hurt? If so, why by me? How could _I_ possibly hurt him?  
  
" Ertegun... Why is it you never let yourself fall for those women? Shouldn't you be settling down at your age?" He winced at my words. His sudden flinch gave away that what I said hit a nerve, but he quickly tried to compose himself.  
  
  
" Because I am _Ertegun_ , I can do whatever _I desire_. So, if I want to sleep around for the rest of my life, so be it."  
  
" Although is it what you truly want? Or do you actually want want to have something more meaningful, but lack the nerve to try?"  
  
" Ouch, I don't think that's something someone should be saying to their boss." Ertegun laughed at my jest in a good natured manner.  
  
" You don't seem the type to let personal feelings get in the way of being professional."  
  
" Do you really believe you know me that well?" He said it in an ambiguous manner that left me a little confused. I didn't know what to make of it.  
  
" I'm just guessing." I uttered quietly, but just audible enough for him to hear.  
  
" Roddy..." There it was again, the low, sultry tone that made my scalp and spine tingle with arousal. It made me flinch, hovering my attention upwards at him, as he leaned his face in, closer to mine his eyes closed, and lips pursed...  
  
" Hey..." I felt his lips brush against my palm, as I covered his mouth, "...what do you think you're doing?"  
  
It was confusing to see him put such a move on me after he'd made it abundantly clear he wasn't capable of handling a serious relationship.  
  
" I was going to _kiss_ you."  
" If you keep making out with people you don't care for in _that way_ , they'll keep getting the wrong impression. It's no wonder _that_ happened to you."  
Ertegun seemed stumped by my sudden lecture.  
  
" So says the virgin. Kissing doesn't mean anything, you know. It's just a part of everything else we just did." Ignoring the bit of name calling as he took me by the chin to reel me in, I covered his mouth again.  
  
" Kisses aren't always a part of it. Plus, kissing isn't always sexualized, you know. And if it means so little to you, why do you seem to want to do it so badly? We already had sex." Did he just blush? Ertegun's behaviour is kind of strange right now, and I can't quite put my finger on it.  
  
  
" Who knows, Roddy, maybe I just want to fool around again."  
  
" Then, there's no need for you to kiss me. You can just start screwing me senseless again."  
  
" Why are you so persistent about not kissing, then?"  
  
" Because it's too intimate and I don't want to be tricked into thinking I have feelings for you when I don't."   
  
There was a strangeness in the way he stared at me in that moment, there was a melancholic air surrounding us.  
  
" Kissing is scientifically proven to create a psychological illusion of emotional attachment. I'd be careful with who I choose to kiss if I were you."  
  
My advice seemed to go into one ear and come out the other judging by the way he was blankly staring at me.  
  
  
" But I think you've already fooled yourself into thinking you have feelings for me."  
  
" Surely, you jest, Roddy, I've told you of my intentions..."  
  
" Your heartbeat has been irregular."  
  
I slipped my hand across his chest and pressed my ear and my hand against it.  
  
" I've been listening to and feeling your beat since this conversation started. You can lie all you want with your words, but your heart is like a polygraph."  
  
He almost sucked at his teeth, lightly grunting, restraining himself from doing so and gulping, he loosened his hold around me.  
  
" So, Ertegun. Let's get back in the house. We can either do a couple more rounds to show you how little you really feel for me, or if you're not feeling it anymore today, I can get back to work and you'll still have two weeks to use my body as you please. Then, you can do me that favour you owe, alright?"  
  
Although that's what I said, there was something that was off about Ertegun's gaze from that day on that I couldn't shake off. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally intended to be a oneshot, but I ended up wanting to continue it!


	2. We've Gone Too Far, Believe It Or Not

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ertegun is at Cydonia festival, and contemplates what he feels for Roddy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All you need is faith
> 
> \- Curtis Mayfield

Ever since that day Roddy and I... No, it wasn't a day. It was two weeks of just sex, sex, sex and more sex.

I can't figure out what Roddy's thinking. He drives me crazy.

Those two weeks were absolutely amazing. Although, he'd let me kiss him anywhere but the lips. Can't really say why. The guy was most certainly a virgin before I got to him.

Probably.

He said I was his first man, however... Nothing about girls was ever said. He could have had a ton of girls before that. Some girls really like the geeky ones. Maybe he's latched onto one of my leftover women, who knows. Roddy is cute. And I mean, extremely cute. It's not like he couldn't get laid on his own. That's why it surprised me when the little "favour" he slept with me for ended up being him wanting me to meet two friends of his.

Those girls.

For months, I couldn't even bear the mere mention of them. Did he do all that just so they could meet me? To boost their careers? Did he do all that with me just to impress those girls? He seemed to enjoy himself with me, sure, but maybe he's more interested in girls. Why wouldn't he be more interested in girls his age rather than a man over twice his age? The latter would be insane.

After the whole incident those girls caused, Roddy and I stopped sleeping together. That was the end of our deal, just two weeks. Besides, I got what I wanted. He kept me busy for the time I stopped seeing women, and now I was back to my old habits, and then some. So, things weren't exactly over between Roddy and I. We flirted from time to time, but it was mostly me making moves on him. He was usually very responsive to my advances, letting out his erotic moans whenever I'd grope him at work. He never told me to stop it even if we weren't fooling around anymore, in fact, sometimes, he'd touch me, too, or even grind his ass onto my crotch and we'd start grinding against each other with our clothes on at music venues of all places, and I'd even slip my hand into his pants to jerk him off, or vice-versa, but we wouldn't have gone further than that anymore.

One day, Roddy did something even weirder.

He asked me for my car.  
He's never asked for a favour of this sort, it was unlike him to ask anything at all, actually. That's why I owe him so many favours. He's always going out of his way for me and he never cashed in the favours, plus, he acts like I never owed him anything. It's almost like he never wants anything in return. I was kind of reluctant to lend him the car, though. It's not like he's never driven my cars before, he's just never driven my cars without my supervision.

Roddy is my sound technician and an AI programmer that does maintenance on a lot of my equipment. But I use him for a lot of other things. I even paid for his driving lessons so that he could drive larger vehicles to transport stuff for me, but also so that he could drive me home if I had too much to drink. I really don't mean to, but I do take advantage of him. That realization is what made me want to stop this little sexual back and forth we've been having right after the incident with one of my cars.

I'm pretty possessive with my cars, but I always trusted Roddy, so I let him take one for the day. He ended up doing worse than just totalling the damn thing. I don't know how, but he returned it to me all blown up.

Later on, I found out he borrowed it to impress those girls. Something about that just didn't sit right with me. The next time I saw him, I wanted to pretend it never happened, put it behind us, and maybe slip back into our old habits. So, I snuck up on him, groped him from behind and kissed his neck, placing a mark on him. He didn't like that and I may have crossed a line. He obviously felt really bad about the car and had no idea I knew he pulled that stunt to impress the girls. He looked at me awkwardly, apologizing for the incident, and we had a long, serious talk about how we should stop what we were doing and to keep it professional. No more flirting or touching from that point on, just friends.

Although, he was confused that I wasn't angry. I never held him accountable for that screw up of his and I never bothered him about it. To his bewilderment, I just pretended it never happened. Thing is, I was just as confused as he was. Because more than just angry, I was in a jealous rage that he wasn't pining for my attention instead of those girls. I describe it as jealous now, but at the time, I didn't quite comprehend that envy was the emotion I was feeling, because I just wasn't familiar with it. I was simply put, vaguely and intensely annoyed. I'm used to people fighting for my attention.

Ertegun! Please sign my record deal!

Ertegun! Please sponsor my car dealership!

Ertegun! Please open a branch of your clothing line in Aries!

Ertegun, darling, forget those other women, pay attention to me and me alone!

With Roddy, it's not like that. He's so well put together. Despite his looks and his geeky interests, Roddy seems to have a lot of self-confidence and doesn't seek constant validation from me. Only approvals of work related decisions. Otherwise, he's autonomous, independent, and everything I wish I was at his age.  
With him, it's more along the lines of:

Ertegun, I have a tight schedule tomorrow, please confirm that we'll meet at this time.

Ertegun, I made some modifications to the software, so, please check to see if you like how it runs the synthesizer.

Ertegun, you need to bulk order some new speakers to use at that venue for next month. I have a few recommendations for which models to use if... You'd like to hear my suggestions...

Ertegun, your AI manager is busted and has accidentally quadruple scheduled you. I will call to reschedule those appointments for you and personally replace the AI for you until spare parts become available for me to make the necessary repairs on it.

True story.

" Ertegun, you're up onstage soon." Roddy was sitting in the corner of the trailer, on his phone, waiting for me to get ready. After giving myself a pep talk and asking him if I looked okay, to which, he gave me an honest answer, (and I swear, there's something about his smile that just gives me life) and followed me out of my trailer, briefing me on my interviews I had to do later tonight before I had to go onstage a second time, all before a staff party I had planned for my technicians.

My eyes were tired from being under those flashing lights, and now in normal lighting, I tried to readjust. I need to head back to my trailer to take a short nap and a shower before my second show.

As I walked to the staircase leading off the stage, I hear some familiar voices. Those girls? No. It couldn't be. Roddy pointed me in the opposite direction from the trailer and as I tried to correct him, he latched onto my arm, clinging onto me almost... Lovingly?

That can't be...

Roddy is far from in... I can't even say the word in my head. It would give me hope. Can't be having any of that.

He had the most adorable and gentle smile on his face as his cheek pressed firmly against my shoulder. He was hugging my arm tightly, his right hand held my left, intertwining our fingers.

" Ertegun... Let's walk this way, alright?" He almost sounded like he was begging, and quite honestly, I would do anything just to have him hold me like this for just a second longer, let alone entire minutes.

This, how he's holding me at this very moment, went against nearly everything we agreed not to do:

No holding each other where others can see.

No lovey-dovey crap.

Nothing that can send mixed messages about us seeming like we're dating.

We're violating every rule. Almost every rule. Or more like, Roddy is, but I'm just going along with it. So it seems like a mutual violation, and I'm gladly doing so.

I have this tightening feeling in my heart as it fills me with warmth. I want to hold him, too. In more ways than just sex. I just want to hold him, I want to lie down and feel him pressed against me. I want to run my hand through his soft, red hair and feel his breath on my neck. I want to feel his slender arms around me, and listen to him speak to me, his voice soothing my nerves after a long day at work. It took these strange desires to brew up inside me to realize that sex wasn't going to solve everything. It took these strange, sexless fantasies for me to realize for the first time in my life, that I'm truly... Lonely.

I'm lonely. And I always have been. I grew up a latchkey kid, and when puberty hit, I was suddenly the center of interest to all the girls around me, and when I was old enough to drink at bars, I found I was able to charm men, too. I really didn't have many friends growing up, let alone a girlfriend or boyfriend. I only fooled around with so-called "relationships" (if one could call them that) once I hit my later twenties.

The closest thing I ever really had to a friend was Tao, and he was just an intern... With other people, while I know they hang around me for my money, I don't really mind them being by my side so long as I'm not alone. Yeah... with Tao, I depended on him as he did me, and we enjoyed each other's company. That's what friendship is supposed to be, right? What I have with Roddy, though, it's similar, yet completely different. I enjoy being with him. The way I enjoy being with a friend. It's similar, yet different from what it is with a random person I'd screw around with. Empty kisses followed by empty sex. I usually want them gone by morning.

Not with Roddy. I want him to linger with me in my embrace, I want him to stay with me. But I can't be thinking that way. I can't possibly fathom a relationship with someone this young. It's not okay. However, the more he pressed his cheek against my shoulder, the more I wanted to make him mine, and as the minutes passed, that possibility seemed less and less improbable.

I want to ask him out on a date. An actual date. A serious one. But, that would be ridiculous... I couldn't.

This hand holding is really messing with my head. I tried to shake him off of me as we arrived at my trailer. As I opened the door, I gestured for him to go in first, and he paused, looking blankly at me.

" We need to talk about what you just did, Roddy."

" Ah, actually, there's something that I forgot to do on the stage... Can it wait?"

" I'm serious."

" You must be tired. You said you'd take a shower and a nap before your next slot. If it's something serious, we can wait until later, right?"

" It's something personal, Roddy."

" Ah... Is that so? Then... We should talk about it after we're done for the day. I mean, I am on the clock, aren't I?"

Shit.

What was I thinking? Now I feel petty for wanting to talk about... Us. Wait, no, that line of reasoning is contradictory if he flirted with me while working.

Ah... He turned his back and was walking away before I knew it. He's intentionally avoiding the subject, isn't he?

I won't be able to take a nap like this. So, I opted for a long shower. I wanted to get to the stage early before my next slot, seeing as I was planning on doing a collaboration with Omega next week, I headed up there to meet their manager. To my surprise, I saw... Those girls performing. Why were they even here at all? The area was filled, overwhelmingly with the sound of a disapproving crowd. I couldn't hear their lyrics over the sound of the booing audience and... they were throwing... Trash at them. The girls looked utterly pitiful, and completely pathetic, yet, even as they sounded as if they were on the verge of tears, they performed, displaying their hearts and souls out there, with all their might.

That's more than I can say for my music.

As good as I am, I've been hitting sort of a creative burnout as of late. I'm pretty sure that within the next few months, I'll hit a stalemate where I can no longer produce songs without sounding repetitive.

As Omega took the place of the girls, I decided to continue on and go up backstage. I happened to see those girls from afar, speaking to... Roddy. They appeared to have already cried it out after that tragedy of a performance with teary eyes and smiles, already cheered up.

Something about Roddy making them smile made my blood boil. Just a bit.

Was it the discomforting realization that I wasn't the only one he was cheering up? Was it the pang of jealousy in my heart? Was it the agonizing doubt that he wasn't being genuine when he was telling me sweet things? Was it the disgusting realization that I had this unhealthy urge to take possession of him for myself?

All of the above most likely.

I went off stage and to the food area, where I found a kiosk much like a bar and bought myself a drink to ease myself. Although it wasn't the best idea to do this before a performance, I took enough of it to at least take the edge off. Just a little. I'd probably cut it real close before my next slot, but, against my better judgement, I decided to get a stronger drink I had lying around in my trailer.

When I arrived back onstage, Roddy came to see me, asking me where I'd been, telling me that Omega's manager had been looking for me and that I had missed an interview.

" Hold on..."

He came close to me, our faces were in such proximity that another inch forward would propell us to lock lips... although he was sniffing me

" Booze, Ertegun?!" He almost seemed to yell as he whispered, "...right before a show... that's unlike you! Are you plastered?!"

I could only giggle drunkenly, still distracted by how nice it would have been to kiss him just then, I gazed upon him blankly, not paying much attention to my surroundings, only focusing on Roddy.

"... Be my muse, Roddy..."

" What was that?"

Don't pretend like you didn't hear me... I can see you blushing... Damn... It's taking me lots of strenght... Not to kiss you right now...

I pulled him closer by the shoulder and planted a kiss on his forehead.

" An..d'bout Omega's manager... Ask 'em to schedule an appointment for tomorrow or something..."

Amidst his glowing blush, he managed to nod, but add, " I'm not your AI manager... Tell it to Pinocchio."

" That eyesore isn't as cute as you, so I'd rather not repeat myself to it..."

I turned away and staggered off to the stage, trying to compose myself.

After my performance, Roddy ran up to me with a bottle of water and a towel. As I leaned into him, placing both hands on his shoulders, the bottle hovered over my head upside down as he squeezed some of the cold water onto my hair. He tapped the bottle onto my left hand for me to grab it as he used both his hands to towel dry the sweat and water off of my overheated, flushed head, resting it around my neck and upon my shoulders, allowing me to take a drink.

" Jeez, how old are you again? You can't get hammered like a frat boy whenever."

" Watch me..."

Roddy merely gave one more scoff at me and felt my wobbling weight on his left shoulder, inciting him to take my right arm and throw it around himself so that I could lean on him.

" Come on... I'm not that drunk." I groaned as we walked down the staircase.

" Sh..shut up..." He muttered.

It almost seemed like he was...

"...looking for an excuse to be held by me?"

He didn't respond to that either.

" Roddy, I can walk on my own..."

Still, I remained ignored, even as we got to my trailer. I rested myself on the couch and sighed at him.

" Roddy, about earlier..."

He lunged for his laptop and turned right as I called for him.

" Hmm?"

" No avoiding the subject this time..."

" What is it?"

" I feel like you're just... Driving me crazy... You know?"

" Are you... in heat? Is that it?" He walked up to me, leaning in, straddling me, running his hands down my chest, "If you want, you'd need to do it to me quick before the staff party." I felt Roddy's long, slender fingers creep under my shirt in an attempt to take it off that I abruptly halted by grabbing his wrists to take them off.

" I'm not going to the party." I said firmly as I let go of him.

" Well, I guess I can afford to be a little late..."

" Roddy, I don't want to fool around."

" Then what do you want?"

My mind could only think back to those words he said to me before...

" Kissing is scientifically proven to create a psychological illusion of emotional attachment... Is what you said."

" Y-yeah. What about it?"

" What if... I was already attached before we ever laid our hands on each other? I... I've always felt a little off about all this, Roddy. And what you did to me today, breaking nearly every rule we made, I just can't stand it."

He moved over to the side, sitting next to me, quietly.

" When you said... That I didn't seem the type to let personal feelings get in the way of being professional?" I could feel my hands shaking as I spoke, so I put my palms together, clasping, trying to steady them as my nails dig into the backs of my hands.

" ...I just don't think that's true."

" Ertegun... Where is this going?"

It pains me to have to do this, but I don't want to let Roddy go. And I don't want to screw him over, because no matter how bad this is, I actually do care for him. He's a talented programmer. There are people out there who want to take him away from me for full time positions. In fact, I've got about five names in mind of people who have personally approached me about taking him to work for them.

" I can ask Höfner to give you a job. You can work at a higher salary, at a real office, or a workshop, and you won't have to travel to random venues all the time or multitask being a programmer and a secretary."

" I'm not looking for another job, alright? I'm fine with the ones I currently have right now. I... Actually do like working with you, okay?"

" Do you really? Don't you feel like I take advantage of you, Roddy? Is that why you took advantage of how I'd react when you held me like that...?"

Do you not realize that I can't stand being by your side like this? Everytime I'm close to you, I suppress an intense urge to kiss you, Roddy. But if I try, I...

_But I think you've already fooled yourself into thinking you have feelings for me._

Those words you told me... echo in my head.  
If I tell you about the heartache I feel when I'm with you, I won't be taken seriously.  
It invalidates this very real, aching sensation I feel inside my chest.

You already went back to treating me like a friend.

Until that stunt you pulled on me earlier. Today in general has been a weird, flirtatious haze, and you're always just out of reach because you made it clear that you didn't want it to be anything more.

If I tell you how I feel, you'll tell me that I merely had an obsession with kissing you because men like me always want what they can't have.

And there's this tremor in my heart that fears more than anything else in the world that such a line of reasoning might be accurate.

If I even attempted to tell you, it's not like you would dare to make the mistake of believing me.

You've seen the worst of me.

You've seen me drown myself in booze and women.

You would never take an interest in me after all of that.

Because you should know by now that you deserve better than that. You're smarter than that.

You deserve better than me.

I'm really the worst.

Regardless, I can still feel a great deal of emotional pain, however...

What if these feelings I feel aren't real?  
What if they disappear once I kiss you?  
I can't stand this stinging gripe in my chest...  
I need to figure out what's really wrong with me.  
I can't stand not knowing...

" Roddy, I can't take this anymore. I need to try..."

" Try...? Hey... What are you doing?"

" Breaking our last rule..."

Before I knew it, I had him pinned under me, on the couch, and I had forced my lips upon his.

Kissing Roddy felt like a wave of warmth crashing upon my entire body once our lips connected.

It brought light to my dark, desolate and void world. Holding him in my arms comforted me, and so I took it a step further, as he whimpered beneath me, I used the opening of his mouth to slip my tongue in, widening our kiss, exploring his mouth with my tongue, feeling him push back with his tongue and receiving it in my mouth.

As our tongues danced around each other, I felt one of his hands on the back of my head, pushing me in deeper and the other hand, clawing into my shoulder pulling me closer, as if it were possible to be any closer than this. It hurt to feel his nails dig into my skin, through my shirt, dragging it down to my tricep and penetrating my skin, but not as much as the pain in my heart.

I was completely addicted to this feeling. My head felt light and I was experiencing more euphoria than ever. He was kissing back, and yet, my heart ached still. The only thing that alleviated the pangs of pain and distress in my heart was to deepen the kiss, to press deeper into him.

I wish I could lock lips with Roddy forever. Something about this moment made me forget that I'm vulnerable, that I can feel pain outside of this bubble. I never want to let go of this precious person, I...

...feel a push against my forehead, and another type of pain across my face.

Roddy had shoved me off of him and slapped me. His face was wet. Are those tears?

I brought my hand up to my cheek, to press on the soreness that was there, only to feel tears on it. Were they Roddy's? No, I trailed my fingers up to the corner of my eye to feel that they were indeed my own. My eyes hovered to Roddy's face, and he was crying, too, he had a hand cupping his mouth, panting, but protectively shielding himself in a defensive pose.

" I said," he whimpered in a muffled voice, "...that I _never_ wanted to kiss you."

Something about the way he said that made my heart shatter, when I thought it was already so broken it couldn't break any more. His amber eyes conveyed the heaviest load of disappointment one could ever witness. That's how my heart found a way to hurt itself more with the broken pieces that remained of it. This is what I think you'd call putting salt on a wound.

" Was it that big a deal?" I muttered, almost passively.

More than my heart, I felt like _I_ was broken.

" We set boundaries, Ertegun!" He cried, and the feeling of betrayal in his voice resonated in my head.

I did betray him, _but_...

" We agreed not to do anything," I said firmly, almost angrily, "...not even flirt, and you pulled that move on me... If anything you started it..."

The tormenting, straining ache in my heart slowly crept back in. I felt it burn, like my heart had been welded back together, only so that I could feel this awful pulling and tearing feeling, re-ripping the fragile tissue to shreds.

" You didn't like it... Even if you kissed me back."

" I..."

" You kissed me back. I didn't imagine that."

This pain in my heart... Is rendering me irrational... It's overflowing, and all my feelings for Roddy, just for a minute, vanished, allowing me to feel the desire to inflict some of my pain onto him.

" _You_ seduced _me_." I grumbled in a low tone, working my way up.

" You didn't want to kiss because you were afraid of catching feelings for a man who sleeps around as much as I do."

" Erte..."

" Because to you, Roddy, I am an unfeeling sex machine with no regard to human emotion... Is that it? Do you believe that I'm incapable of feeling or caring for anyone?"

I heard him gasp softly through his hand. As if he'd figured out what I was trying to say. But I can't possibly tell him what it is I feel for him. If I do, it would be past the point of no return. But, I had this horrible, horrible wound inside me, driving me mad, telling me to do something someone would never do to someone they cared for.

My very soul was telling me to hurt him. I have these disgusting, contradictory urges to hurt Roddy the way he hurt me, or worse. My mind tells me that's wrong, but after all the times he gave me the cold shoulder, all the times he implied I was incapable of caring for him, all the times he made my heart feel like it was splitting just by uttering a few words discouraging a further relationship...

" That's how you see me, right? All I do is use people for sex. I have an addiction to fucking and manipulating, because I can't feel anything other than an erection, right? To you, I'm just a horny, unfeeling monster. Is that how little you think of... How _piss poor_ of an opinion you have of me?!"

It accumulated into a nasty, immature feeling of wanting petty revenge.

" But guess what, Roddy, you used me for sex, too. If you think I'm bad, how about you, then? Do you not see your actions as questionable? Or do you think you're exempt from morality? Do you think it's fine to break a promise so long as you're the only one doing it? You did things to me..."

I probably should have stopped talking a while ago. Now, I know I'm about to say some things I'll regret, for sure.

"You slept with me just to get a meeting with some girls you wanted to impress, you borrowed my car to show off for those same girls and blew it up, and today, you flirted with me, after we agreed not to anymore, just so that I wouldn't bump into them. All you do is toy with me because you assume I can't get emotional. It's amazing the amount of stuff I let you get away with... and the awful way I let you treat me just because I lo--- ugh..."

...

I stopped myself dead in my tracks. I clutched at my chest, I can't possibly say _that word_ out loud.

...

" ... Ah..."  
He tried to reply, but seemed rendered speechless.

Was I seriously going to tell him something like that?

" Obviously, " he finally broke the silence, "...nothing I say can truly serve as an apology to you. I guess telling you I'm sorry won't cut it anymore."

Although he nearly seemed unaffected, his voice was trembling just slightly. Have I truly messed up? Because it seemed like for once, my words have actually affected him. I wanted to be rude and mean and overall hurtful, but I can't go any further than this.

This isn't right.

" Roddy, I'm serious about the Höfner offer. We probably shouldn't see each other in a while. Give me your answer within the next week. Now, get out, please..."

He stared at me, still ever so speechless. He got up and walked to the door, glancing at me as he slowly closed it, and along with the click of the door, my heart felt like it had collapsed.

Smashed against the ground.

Shattered all over again.

Crumbling into dust as I walked up to the door, touching it where he had last placed his hand, scrambling for traces of his warmth as I dropped to my knees. Then, I ran my hand over the locking mechanism, to trap myself in this space.

Tears flowed from my eyes, as I sobbed and wallowed in how utterly pathetic I was for crying over him.

" How could I let myself fall for you, Roddy?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if the chapter is weird and wonky, I read over it dozens of times because I had finished it a while ago, but accidentally deleted a large chunk of the middle section right before I had originally planned to post it, so I was upset about trying to rework something I wrote and lost.


	3. You're a teaser, You turn 'em on

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roddy calls Carole to ask her for advice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And it gets stronger in every way  
> And it gets deeper, let me say  
> And it gets higher day by day
> 
> Do I love you, my oh my? Oh baby  
> River deep, mountain high  
> If I lost you I would cry
> 
> \- Ike & Tina Turner (River deep, Mountain high)

  
Ertegun's hands on my waist, grabbing hold onto my jean jacket as I resisted writhing in sensual pleasure, his goatee tickling my nape, his front teeth voraciously scraped against my skin, ever so delicately, yet so undeniably starved for a taste of me. His pheromones hit hard like the base of his club music, my heart synced with the heavy beat lingering in my memory.   
  
Something about his music seemed aphrodisiac-like to people, and I was far from immune, despite the assumption I'd grown accustomed to his songs. I've listened to his songs countless times from having to work with him constantly.  
  
  
Ertegun, Ertegun, Ertegun...  
  
  
My mind, body and soul lusts for him and him alone. There's something about his charm that makes him strangely attractive in contrasting ways. He's considered to be conventionally attractive in abundance, which is impressive for a man his age.   
  
Although known as a man with notorious sex appeal, he somehow manages to catch me off guard by being completely adorable. He has these moments where his sexy, sultry voice turns into a caring, compassionate and affectionate tone.  
  
  
  
He's cute.  
  
  
  
Somehow, he's cute.  
  
  
  
I don't know how such a burly middle aged man manages to come off as cute, but Ertegun manages to pull it off.  
  
  
My mind filled with thoughts of him and solely him, pushing all else out of the way.  
  
  
At my other jobs, I'm basically on autopilot, punching in the right code where it belongs, however, I'm always, just _always_ constantly thinking of him.  
  
After the deal we struck, we agreed not to have sex anymore. This agreement never stopped us from succumbing to our desires. He couldn't keep his hands off of me and vice versa.  
  
Without even so much as a kiss, we'd find a way to get intensely intimate, pressing our lips elsewhere but the lips, slipping our hands under each other's clothes, triggering every erogenous zone we could reach until the point of ecstasy.  
  
Ertegun is irresistible.  
  
Every single little thing he does makes me want to push him down and take him inside me, devouring him whole, yet something besides the lack of consent stops me.  
  
It's become increasingly difficult not to kiss because his lips feel amazing against my sensitive neck, and it comes so close to my lips when he places pecks onto my cheek.  
  
As if he wanted to accidentally on purpose press his lips against mine, I avoided it like a plague called romance.  
  
If I let him kiss me, he'd surely seduce me into devoting myself to him wholly, he'd make me fall for him, and then, when he's bored with me, he'll throw me away. I have no intention of purposefully getting my heart broken. Ertegun's never had an issue with flirting with women in front of me, which helped to further remind me that I shouldn't get too attached. But somehow, just... _Somehow_... I started to feel a throbbing pang in my heart when I see him with a woman. I can't explain what it was exactly, but I think the general gist of it is that it's a slight sort of envy, where I tell myself _I wish he was doing that to me_ right at that moment.  
  
  
And then, one day, that envy overwhelmed me so much that I started behaving strangely, kind of _possessively,_ even.  
  
Ertegun asked me if I thought he looked good. As if _my_ opinion mattered. He posed in front of the mirror, attempting to give himself some sort of pep talk, and in a defeated tone, he asked me:   
  
" Roddy! How do you think I look today?"  
  
I merely told him the truth.  
  
Then, for a second, there was a smug little smile on his face, as if my words filled him with zealous energy, and somehow, those little curls at the ends of his lips made me _happy_. At that moment, I just simply thought: " _I really like his smile_."  
  
He spun around, skipped by, grabbing his suit jacket in the most theatrical manner one possibly could and threw it on himself, tugging at the collar confidently, and reached for the door handle, throwing the door open as he said one of his catchphrases.  
  
 _FIRE!~_  
  
With the utmost confidence and machismo.  
  
Female fans awaited this gaudy display of his and shrieked in excitement, greeting him, smothering him, and he catered to their desires, offering autographs, hugs, pictures of hugs and the likes...   
  
Some of these women couldn't keep their hands off of him and were barely dressed, some were even in _bikinis_.  
  
It's not as if it were _that_ hot out. I was completely fine in my jacket and so was Ertegun. On Mars, there's a bunch of weather plants that regulates the planet's temperature. It's cool enough for us to wear whatever jackets we want and warm enough for that to be optional.   
  
They're doing it on purpose... To impress the world-famous womanizing DJ.  
  
One woman who hugged him even grinded her chest against his, emphasizing the bounciness of her breasts, which was met with a downwards glance from the man in her clutches.  
  
The happiness I felt before kind of... I don't like to use this term, but snapped? I think something in me snapped, I just... Hated seeing him with women.  
  
Holding them the way he held me, one after another, it infuriated me, and it made me feel cheap, disposable, even.   
  
  
This isn't like me. Why am I so angry?  
  
I wasn't thinking straight. I wanted attention from him. I'm not usually this petty but somehow, seeing Ertegun with those women made me feel a decrease in self-worth. Getting his attention, being physically held and reassured that I had value to him was something that I felt could comfort me. There's no logical way to explain it, it was just an instinctive feeling that I wanted to be held by him.  
  
  
Something was definitely wrong with me. Why am I like this? Why am I so needy?  
  
  
For the rest of the day, I acted upon these instincts and tried to hold him close to me, although things may have been taken a bit too far.  
  
  
It bothered me that what I feared most had happened: it seemed as if Ertegun had snapped and convinced himself that he had non-platonic feelings for me.  
  
I'm driving myself insane just spinning the same thoughts in my head over and over again. I need someone to give me another perspective on this.  
  
  
  
________________  
  
  
  
  
" That's... A lot of information for me to process."  
  
Carole took a sip of her soda, and I glanced over at her food.  
  
" You haven't touched your pizza yet."  
  
" Not... Hungry..."  
  
 _Then why'd I buy it for you?_  
  
Jeez. It took a lot of strength for me not to say that out loud.  
  
" Roddy, why'd you sleep with him in the first place?"  
  
Although I told Carole a lot about what's been going on, I didn't tell her why I did what I did. I'd be embarrassed to death if she or Tuesday knew.  
  
" I... Told you, didn't I?" I took a sip of my latte in an attempt to avoid her prying gaze.  
  
" Whatever favour you wanted him to do it for, I don't think it was worth it. I won't ask what it is if you don't wanna tell me, but try to think about how the favour weighs face to face with the price and its consequences."  
  
" Yeah... I thought the price was the consequence, unfortunately."  
  
" It's unlike you not to think that far ahead."  
  
She poked at her pizza, attempting to pick it up and put it back down as if to stop herself.  
  
" Roddy... Don't you think you... Should consider the possibility that he actually likes you?"  
  
I merely glanced at her, trying to resist the idea she put in my mind.  
  
" Let's say I do, what then?"  
  
" I think you... Seem like you like him, too."  
  
I nearly scoffed, but restrained myself, nervously taking a sip of my drink. Nervous? Am I? No, why would I be?  
  
" What... Would lead you to believe either of us feel like that?"  
  
" Well..." She picked up her slice and took a nibble, stalling for time as she chewed, "...from what you're telling me... I see you both kind of have a big effect on each other."  
  
I only gave her a look, raising my eyebrow to show her I wasn't exactly convinced. Carole sighed back at me as if I were being difficult.  
  
" A lot of the stuff you say he said was completely out of hand. It seems to me like you got him completely riled up. That's not a response from someone who doesn't care about you. It seems he was over-emotional and, perhaps even anxious about how you perceive him, y'know. You can't be _that_ blind... The way he cares for you seems _pretty non-platonic_. And don't get me started on your behaviour."  
  
" No, _please do_ enlighten me." I egged her on nonchalantly, although I felt like her sharp tongue was about to cut me down.  
  
" I don't want to side with him... Especially since he crossed a line... but, he's processing what's been going on between you two in his head and so far, you've only tried to ignore any development between you."  
  
" Why would Ertegun ever go for anyone like me?"  
  
" Fact is: he did, didn't he?" She stated it in a pretty nonchalant manner, "...and besides," she took a sip from her soda and cleared her throat, "...it's not like you're not a catch. I mean, you're capable, you've got your crap together professionally speaking, you're efficient at your job and multitalented, you're an independent young guy with his own pad, you're reliable, responsible and mature, plus you're cute."  
  
Hearing Carole say all that stuff about me made me kind of blush a little, and I couldn't help but try...  
  
" Well, if that's what you think of me, why aren't _we_ dating?"  
  
Carole looked away, shyly, but not in a flustered way, more of a " _I'm sorry about how I'm gonna reject you_ " sort of way.  
  
" No offense, Roddy, but guys who are into Ertegun aren't my type. In fact, I'm not into dating any guys right now... That's kind of why I wanted to see you too, today, I needed your advice."  
  
" On what, exactly?"  
  
" I think I'm... _really_ into Tuesday."  
  
She looked back at me as I turned beet red.  
  
" Is that really so shocking to you?"  
  
I only nodded awkwardly as a response.  
  
" I spent a lot of time denying I was, and so I wasted so many opportunities to tell her. And now..." She winced at herself, sucking at the air through her teeth, infuriated. "...some other girl is all over Tuesday like crazy glue."  
  
I knew exactly what she was talking about. In the Mars' Brightest competition, there's this clingy fan that won't leave Tuesday alone.  
  
" She's hanging out with her right now. She calls me by the wrong name on purpose and ignores me whenever she's not busy being passive aggressive with me."  
  
" Cybe--"  
  
" Please don't even say her name, Roddy." She groaned.  
  
I did notice that girl being awfully weird around Tuesday, but I didn't think it'd be this extreme. I guess I've been distracted by work, and thinking of Ertegun.  
  
He only has me managing his software AI, otherwise, I've been spending time on my other jobs. I haven't really seen Ertegun in person at all lately. And that worries me. He's always been so attached to me on and off work, asking for my feedback more than he would any other sound tech or even as a friend, when he'd take me on his shopping trips. I... Actually really liked spending time with him.  
  
" Roddy... How do you feel when you... See him with a woman?"  
  
" Ugh." I groaned. It just came to me.  
  
" I just glare at them and try to ignore it. I sit there thinking, _there he goes again, dragging his dick through whatever attractive woman crosses his path_ , because who am I to stop him?"  
  
" Also, why is it you were trying so hard to get his attention at Cydonia? I mean... What did you do to flirt with him?"  
  
" I..."  
  
I grabbed his arm, rubbed my cheek against his shoulder, held his hand, wrapped his arm around me, then I straddled him and tried to... Damn it. This is definitely my fault. I was _definitely_ misleading him.  
  
  
"...ah, actually... When I think about everything I did, it's pretty bad. I guess I really was in the wrong."  
  
" I'm not saying what you did was wrong, I'm just---"  
  
" I did at least five types of things to flirt and I even tried to take his shirt off."  
  
Carole stared at me, completely baffled and speechless.  
  
" Look! In context, he said some things and I thought he wanted to... Do it... It was my fault for assuming."  
  
" Still, Roddy... That's bad, like, worse than I thought kind of bad."  
  
She crossed her arms and furrowed her brows at me.  
  
" You flirted in five different ways. If you really didn't like him, you're sending mixed messages. Or better yet..."  
  
" I don't even remember why I did those things!"  
  
" ...or better yet," she resumed to what she was saying before I panicked and interrupted her "...you were acting upon feelings you don't think you have." I invited her here to help me, yet, I'm still evasive towards her eye contact. Why is that?  
  
" I think you're avoiding the truth. I mean, you say you don't know why you did it, and the thing you described, about how you felt when you see him with women, it just sounded like you were jealous and your reaction was... a little possessive."  
  
" Carole, I can't be..."  
  
" Hold that thought. Now I want you to listen to me... When I think of Tuesday on a date with... That girl... I think about how much better _I_ would treat her instead. I want to take her place. I want to hold Tuesday in my arms and not let go."  
  
" Yeah, I'm picturing it..."  
  
" Isn't that how it is too, with you and him, I mean?"  
  
Putting myself in that position, I have seen Ertegun go off on dates, wishing he hadn't, wishing that he'd spend more time by my side, wanting to cling to him and hold him when he'd be back beside me.  
  
The irritation I felt when I saw him with those women outside that trailer. It's envy. Envy. Envious rage! That's what it was and suddenly, I felt my heart drop.  
  
" Carole... I..." clasping at my mouth, muffling a sob, I cried, "...I _am_ jealous..." I could hear my voice quivering and my heart trembling, my mind spinning.  
  
" I do want his attention, that's why I... Did all those things. To take their place. Because I don't want anyone else to have him..."  
  
My eyes watered and my cheeks swelled up.  
  
" I think I... Really hurt him... I-I-I kissed him back and I slapped him like I didn't like it, but..." Through my stutters, my mind was racing like crazy, trying to pull these thoughts together.  
  
" I _want_ Ertegun... I want to be with him more than anything else..."  
  
There was this strange feeling in my heart, it's pain.

It took a few seconds to realize that my face was wet, dripping in tears. This wrenching pain in my heart... Is this what it feels like to have a shattered heart?


	4. I Want More

  
I haven't faced Roddy since that night.  
  
I made my way backstage to head towards the exit of the Mars' Brightest studio. I was supposed to go for an interview, but I felt like avoiding it. I'm honestly in no mood for a stranger to poke around my personal life, then ask what I think of the competitors. Especially since _those girls, Carole and Tuesday_ made it into the finals, somehow, with that injury... I honestly did like Pyotr's song better, but not for the right reasons.  
  
Pyotr's music was overall more my style, so I was biased towards it, but his lyrics made me relate to him in a way that made me feel like we could bond over our struggles and look back on them with a smile because of his upbeat tone. When I heard the girls play, it was similar to Pyotr's, yet vastly different. I did relate to their lyrics, but not in a very positive way.  
  
 _Lost My Way_  
  
That's how I felt nowadays, without Roddy by my side.   
  
_Silencing my feelings,  
Streetlights blinking red again,  
When the crashing noise of speeding cars  
Floods my lonely heart  
And the heavy rain  
Flowing from my eyes  
Streetlights blinking red again_  
  
And more lyrics along those lines... Made me remember painful memories. The suppression of my feelings whenever I slept with him, being so irrational and emotional I'd see nothing but red, thus, I couldn't stop doing things I didn't want to do and on top of that, it reminded me of how recently, I was crying for the first time in a long time. Their song really hits hard and I simply don't like how it forces me to face my sorrow when I'm trying to ignore it. Maybe I just don't want to process my feelings because I _am_ an asshole. Maybe I _am_ incapable of feeling emotions properly.  
  
While objectively a good song, because it made me feel uncomfortable, I forced myself to make up something mean to say about them when it was my time to comment on it. I'm horribly petty.  
Why couldn't I think of something better to say?! Of course the injury wasn't her fault. She still managed to deliver a decent performance even without her guitar. That Tuesday is quite a competent young woman, still. I wouldn't be surprised if Roddy had a thing for her, specifically.   
  
Ah...  
  
What am I thinking?! It wouldn't be far from the truth, though, right? Roddy is interested in girls closer to his age. That should be normal. I'm the abnormal one here, getting flustered over a young man who's just barely legal.  
  
Still though... I can't help but want to see his face, hear his voice... Touch his hand and even just only his hand. That would suffice to me. I want Roddy back in my life. For real. And not just him texting and e-mailing me for work like he is now. I want to see him in person, I want to see his smile more than anything else in the world right now. I want him to call my name and...  
  
  
  
" Ertegun."  
  
  
I turned around to see Roddy behind me, as if I had wished so hard for his presence it became reality.  
  
  
" What... Are you doing here?"  
  
  
He looked away, the answer was obvious, but I didn't want to force him to say it.  
  
  
" You were up in the audience, huh? So, what's new with you, Roddy?"  
  
  
There it was, just me trying to do small talk, as if our last encounter had never happened.  
  
I said it perfectly calmly, cooly, as if I weren't affected, but my heart was beating so hard I felt like I could collapse any time, now. Because with every beat, I could feel it tear apart just a little, each second.  
  
  
  
" I had a few projects going on... I've been able to focus on my hobbies a lot more with all the free time, though."  
  
  
" Is that so?"  
  
  
Shit. He has all that free time because he's not working as much with me anymore. It's bound to come up in conversation. There's no way to avoid talking about how my outburst affected him.  
  
  
" I noticed... My payments are all the same even if you've cut down my hours by a lot... If you keep overpaying your employees at this rate, you'll go bankrupt, you know."  
  
  
There he is again, lecturing me about how I should manage work stuff. I really do miss the way he does that.  
  
  
" I... I'm not overpaying you. I meant to give you those amounts... For all the trouble I've caused you..."  
  
  
" Trouble _you_ caused _me_? Are you kidding me?"  
  
  
He had a slight scowl, and my heart trembled, fearing a rant coming on.  
  
  
" It's the other way around, Ertegun..."  
  
  
He took my hand... Why?! Why would he do that?! He needs to stop. It's happening. It's happening all over again! My heart can't take this...!  
  
  
" Can I start working with you again like I used to? Please?"  
  
  
I hastily snatched my hand away from him as he pleaded only to be confused by this disappointed and shaken look upon his face.  
  
I felt a _crack_ in my heart when I saw his wide-eyed expression, shook by my harsh gesture. I feel like I'm _breaking_.  
  
  
" Roddy, there's a reason I can't stand working with you..."  
  
  
As I looked around, I saw police officers walking down the hall, making people leave. I don't know what this is about, but I dragged Roddy into a utility closet with me.  
  
  
" Ertegun?"  
  
  
" I wanted to be alone with you."  
  
  
I took him in my arms, in my embrace. I'm overwhelmed by his mere presence. In this small, isolated space, my feelings overflowed and I couldn't help but take him and hold him. I never wanted to let go. My breaths quivered as I tried to stifle what would become sobs if I didn't hold myself back.  
  
  
" Hey, I thought you said you couldn't stand me..."  
  
  
" I can't live with or without you, Roddy."  
  
  
" That... Doesn't make sense."  
  
  
" I can't live without you. I'm a mess. I don't have any sense of direction, I'm miserable without you. And when I'm with you, I can't help but want more. All I want is more, more, more and nobody but you can somewhat fill this void in me, but it still doesn't seem like enough no matter what."  
  
  
" Ertegun..."  
  
  
I realized I held onto him for too long and felt like a complete hypocrite for touching him when I didn't let him touch my hand, even if that had been all I ever wanted, even if that had been what I wished for just minutes before. I pushed him off of myself and apologized as I backed off to distance myself from him.  
  
  
" You don't need to be sorry for doing something I wanted you to do."  
  
  
I glanced at this completely defeated expression he had on his face. Full of sorrow, with a hint of longing.  
  
  
" I _want_ you to hold me. I..."  
  
  
" J-just s-stop! Roddy, don't tell me things like that! I...!"  
  
  
If he tells me such tender words, I'll...  
  
  
" Ertegun, I... _Missed_ you..."  
  
  
" Please don't say things like that...! I don't need you toying with me, I'll misunderstand... Please just..."  
  
Don't give me hope just to crush it. Even if I know you don't mean it the way I want you to, I'll always have this memory of you saying it as if you _actually_ wanted the same things I want. My chest hurts so much that if you stepped on my heart just once more, I feel like I could collapse.  
  
  
" Ertegun, listen... I need to tell you something really important..."  
  
  
There it is again. He tugged at my heartstrings with mere words. I turned to the side, clenching at my chest and avoiding his gaze.  
  
  
" I'm sorry I hit you. I'm sorry I told you not to kiss me, and most of all, Ertegun, I'm sorry I hurt you just because I..."  
  
  
He paused and I looked back at him, watching as he teared up.  
  
  
" ...because I was afraid to admit to myself that I _love_ you, Ertegun."  
  
  
  
My ears felt shot.  
  
  
I was in complete shock.  
  
  
" Sorry, Roddy, what was that? I think I just heard you say something completely and utterly impossible."  
  
  
He smiled just slightly at me.  
  
  
" That's kinda my line..." He said, approaching me.  
  
  
" You can't possibly mean that the way I think you do. It just can't be." I muttered, in complete disbelief.  
  
  
" Don't make me repeat myself."  
  
  
Still, after all that bull he was spouting about not wanting to make a big thing out of us sleeping together, avoiding kissing so that we don't confuse sex with feelings, all this he was saying about love didn't add up to me, so I could only logically conclude that this wasn't real.  
  
  
" I'm dreaming." I mumbled, scanning the closet for something superfluous and ridiculous that you could only find in a nonsensical dream.  
  
  
" Hit me, Roddy. I need to wake up. I don't think my heart can handle something so surreal."  
  
  
" I just apologized for hitting you, I'm not doing that."  
  
  
I rubbed my temples with my indexes and took a deep breath.  
  
  
  
" Roddy... Say it again."  
  
  
" No, not until... You say it..."  
  
  
I gently laid my hands on his shoulders, leaned in and almost stuttered, "I can't stand being your friend because I've always wanted more."  
  
  
I could feel my hands trembling upon him, and so he laid his fingers upon my wrists, holding me steadily, looking up at me with a tender smile.  
  
  
" If you don't _tell_ me you feel the same, then I should assume you don't, right?"  
  
  
I could feel my heart collapsing into him, my overwhelming emotions spilling over the edge,  
  
  
" I've been completely, thoroughly infatuated, wholly and madly in love with you before I ever even realized it myself."  
  
  
I felt like an immense weight had been lifted from my chest, and instinctively, I pulled Roddy closer, pressing him against my chest as hard, and as tightly as possible, as if I were to fall apart as the seams if I were to let go of him.  
  
  
  
" I love you, Roddy. I love you, Roddy! I love you! I love you more than you can ever imagine, Roddy!"  
  
  
  
It seemed as if every time I exclaimed it, my heart got lighter, and I felt just a little more euphoric than the last time I said it.  
  
  
" Roddy, I love you so much I---"  
  
He placed his lips on mine and what I felt was the purest, most innocent kiss I have ever received.  
  
Roddy truly is my first love, which is strange to say for someone as old as I am. I've really, truly never felt like this before. There was no lust in this kiss, only a message that said: " _I've missed you, and I don't ever want to leave your side_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Story technically ends here, the next is a bonus smut chapter!


End file.
